I’ve never really been into reading ‘memoirs’. The only one I guess I have read is Gok Wan’s when I was 12 and recently I listened to the audiobook of footballer, Beth Mead’s. I always felt I have to be pretty into the person to read about their life. This book is different and I came across it purely by chance!
I picked this up from the reduced table in Waterstones, and was immediately interested in it because of the vibrant pen drawings throughout the book. Ever, eager to expand my reading experience I bought it, and after a few weeks moving home, it is the first book I read in my new house!
The authors, and I guess central focus is loving brother’s Manni and Reuben. The majority of the perspective is from Manni, the older brother, with Reuben’s contribution being his lively and colourful artwork, which intersperses Manni’s narrative of caring for Reuben.
Two Brothers
The beginning of the novel is pretty upsetting. Manni is enjoying life with his partner in Spain, during the Covid lockdown, when out of the blue he gets a text from his youngest brother, Reuben, which is the title of the book, ‘brother.do.you.love.me’.
Reuben has Down syndrome, and is living in a care home for vulnerable adults, and with the lockdown, things have got in a dire state for Reuben. Immediately, without quite knowing his plans, Manni gets back to the UK and, quite without a forward plan, pulls Reuben from the home.
He, rents an old cottage in the countryside and he realises his once chatty and fun-loving brother has regressed in to a shell of his former self, and is in the clutches of depression. Quiet and reluctant to join in with Manni, Reuben communicates through his drawings. The book follows the brothers, as they support one another in Reuben’s mental health recovery, and how Manni and the rest of Reuben’s family, plot the best plan for Reuben’s future.
Downs Syndrome/Disability
I enjoyed the narrative surrounding how we view disability. A family friend asked Reuben, ‘Are you Downs Syndrome or do you have Downs Syndrome?’ Reuben answers, ‘ I have it’. But actually in a lot of the book, Reuben does not identify as having Downs Syndrome, he does not see himself as having it.
Manni also recalls growing up with Reuben, and the family of 4 boys, getting pitying looks. He said often people would just apologise, which in the present he stills finds perplexing.
Why are people sorry, about Reuben? As Manni explains, and Reuben’s family feels, Reuben has brought the greatest joy to their lives, and is a gift to his family. Manni and Reuben’s other 4 brother’s shape their identity from their childhood growing up with Reuben, and they would not be themselves without him. As he Manni says, people always focus on Reuben’s ‘disability’, rather than his abilities.
The non-verbal
I have always been interested since my degree in picking up on the non-verbal interactions described in books. This book especially was incredibly interesting to pick out the non-verbal actions of love between the brothers. For me these include the obvious like hugs, hand holding, a smile, but also gifts, making dinner, or like Reuben does, giving some art work!
It is not because Reuben cannot talk, no. Manni remembers his brother as fun- and always ready to chat about his favourite films. However, when Manni springs Reuben out of the assisted living facility Reuben is withdrawn and far from the brother Manni knew.
The Drawings
Reuben’s drawings really make the book. You can slowly see how he communicates to his brother through them. Whether in the writing, or the meal plans for the week, it shows Reuben engaging with life again, and the love expressed in them is gorgeous to see.
Manni discovers that he must be more than a brother to Reuben in his recovery. He becomes, parent, carer, friend, and most importantly, as he puts it, Reuben’s ‘interpreter in a world that doesn’t want to understand him’.
It’s in the small actions, of including Reuben in planning their days together, planning meals together, organising walks and providing art supplies, that Manni begins to help Reuben get back to his former self.
Mental Health
I thought this was a great one to write about on mental health week. Although I didn’t agree with all the views the author expressed, I know he was saying it out of interest in his brother’s care, which is perfectly understandable.
The book is a good exploration in how do we manage the mental health of someone who can’t readily articulate their thoughts and feelings. Reuben can speak, but as his Social Worker puts it, ‘doesn’t always associate the right words with the right things’, which obviously will make it more difficult to explain how he feels.
Reuben is diagnosed with depression, but it is mainly in his mannerism, and reluctance to engage with life, where the depression shows itself.
Mental Health Week
I don’t really vibe with the commercial aspect of Mental health week, it honestly repels me a bit. The message should obviously be all year round, in the open.
It's interesting Mental Health week is filled up with ‘talk to someone’ about how you feel. This book shows, that for the vulnerable language isn’t always an option.
Often, finding the words to articulate your state of mind isn’t easy or available. Which I think champions the importance of the non-verbal actions, we can do to look after our mental health. It is a coffee invitation, a meme sent, a gift, a smile, or an old photo shared. Gestures never go unrecognised.
Read this book, it’s an in depth, caring book about the love between two brothers, both caring for each other, and managing their place in a world that’s often hard to communicate with.
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